Episode 4: Rose
It's so good to see my boys again. Last time we saw these two, they were both pretty twisted up for their own separate reasons. Despite that, it does seem they are still on pretty solid ground with each other. I do love seeing the competitiveness between them.
This montage hits like crack every time, I love it. We get so much, so quickly. Not only 2 years in about 5 minutes, but we also see so much development between Shane and Ilya. Just a heads up, I'm gonna have something to say about almost every shot we see in this montage.
Ok, we first get these shots of them during the summer, working out. Once again, this is establishing how similar their lives are when placed side by side.
Then, we get these shots of their differing summer schedules. While these might look like opposing shots, I think this is once more presenting how alike Shane and Ilya are.
Both of these routines we see them going through, are them keeping up their individual facades, which protect them from the outside world. Ilya is shown back in Russia, parting and dancing in red lit clubs surrounded by women, while Shane is shown at photoshoots, as the face of at least three brands. Both of them are keeping up their public images, even if it's not who they really are:
Ilya is a womanising manwhore, who spends his summers in clubs. He's charismatic, he knows how to get under people's skin, and he sleeps around. People think he's an asshole, but if that stops them from seeing his soft underbelly, then that's fine. It keeps him safe.
Shane is a family friendly face that brands find safe enough to put stock into without being worried it will backfire. He follows instructions, he reads hockey books before bed, and he hired a designer to curate his home. People think he's boring, but if that stops them from seeing his greedy desires, then that's fine. It keeps him safe.
The season has restarted and this feels like they are settling into a consistent routine. We don't get any of the details, but we see them having games and meeting up afterwards. This feels like them both deciding to settle somewhere between casual and something more, while telling themselves they could be comfortable there. They can get the things they want from each other, fulfil their needs just enough that they can hold back their real desires securely within themselves.
This is what I mean. They've both settled into this safe distance between them. When they are separate, the texting is easy and fun. When they're together, the sex is easy and fun. This fulfils them until the next meet up. It in this in between, the close distance, where the lines start to blur. This space where they are close in proximity but further away then ever before. Only when having to pretend to be who the public thinks they are, in proximity to the one person who knows who they really are, is when their real desires start rearing their head. When their desire for more from each other starts to pull at them.
That's Shane fuckin Hollander bitch.
All alone watching Shane win the cup. There's no one to see him, and he is therefore not conflicted in his feelings in this moment. Much like we see Shane in episode 2, Ilya is happier for Shane winning than he is sad to lose to him.
We are back into their summer routines. We get these shots of them checking their phones, but not actually texting one another. Much like Scott and his banana socks, this lets us see how this constant effort of having to be something they aren't, is catching up to them. The two versions of themselves are starting to merge. Even when embodying their public personas, they have started seeking out the other, even when they're not there.
We see Shane winning the cup again, and Ilya's immediate reaction. He's with people this time, so it's not the soft smile we got last time. But it's still soaked in fondness for Shane.
"It should've been me."
Not, He doesn't deserve it. Certainly not, I hate him. It's almost, If not me, at least it's him.
Even during his highest victory, Ilya is at the centre of it.
We see them checking their phones again. Now, they aren't just interrupting their routines, but halting them completely: Ilya is seen sulking at a bar, while staring at his phone. He turns down a woman who approaches him with only a disapproving eyebrow. Shane is shown being uncharacteristically unprofessional, by being on his phone during a photoshoot. Their routines are starting to bore them, they are losing interest in the things that emphasis the distance between them, even if this is what keeps them safe. If this progresses any further, their safe distance is going to start cracking and their real desires are going to start becoming evident to one other.
Uncle Shane on a play date! I find it so funny that they didn't have the budget for all the kids so they said one baby will have to do.
"Jez Hay, you wanna get me pregnant too?"
Shane you don't want to see what they're doing to you on AO3. DON'T LOOK!
Any time that anything about dating and women is brought up, Shane is instantly disengaged. You can see that having to put up this front constantly is becoming exhausting.
Mr Loser Boy, watching the Shane Hollander Documentary because he's a loser, who has a big fat crush.
"It's so fucking boring I almost fell into a coma."
Yeah, that's why you're watching it on your massive TV, not blinking even once. Sure.
"He's fucking hot though."
I'm convinced that, already, Svetlana knows what's up. She at least knows something is going on. Ilya might think he's being subtle but he is not. Not to anyone who knows him.
"So there's no one serious?" "Nope." "Not even Jane?"
Yeah, she knows what's up. And his reaction is confirmation enough.
This is also a revealing moment of vulnerability for Ilya, that tiny second of fear, where he thinks they've been found out. Even if it's someone he knows is safe, it's still enough to scare him. It reveals how much this whole thing, this secret, weighs him down with fear. He doesn't know exactly how much Svetlana knows, but she knows something, and even that is enough to make him freeze.
This is also a conversation that is heard in what is not said:
Are you seeing anyone these days? Svetlana knows something has changed, but can read Ilya well enough to know it's something he won't just come out and tell her, so she asks a question she already technically knows the answer to. What she's really asking is, Are you going to tell me about what's changed?
So there's no one serious? She's doubling down while trying to initiate eye contact, trying to convey to him that she's not really asking, but trying to get him to tell her what she already somewhat knows.
Not even Jane? Now she's showing him that she knows what it is, but she wants him to open up to her himself.
I thought it was serious or something? So she knows about Jane, she suspects this is what's going on with him but obviously there's something different about this situation. What she's really asking is, Do you want to be something with Jane?
Sasha says hi. This part is the pin drop moment, it's an innocuous comment from anyone else but with it following the previous questions she's just asked, she says this to make it clear to Ilya; Not only does she know about the Jane of it all, but she also knows about the Shane of it all.
He's just three apples tall. 🍎🍎🍎
Oh my god I can't with him.
"Do I take my shoes off?"
STOPPPPPP.
Again, it's in these in between moments where they become unsure. Ilya teases Shane about his interest in his house. Shane stumbles on his words, asks if they should talk. But then they're drawn together by their magnetism again and before they know it, their already kissing.
I love the slow zoom that happens during this scene. We start with a pretty wide shot which fits the bed, part of the floor, the big painting above the bed, and both of the floor-to-ceiling windows on either side of the bed. By the end of it, we've been drawn in so close that all that can fit in frame is Shane and Ilya, a tiny sliver of the painting above them, and the dark sheets of the bed.
We get another sighting of Loser Boy Ilya, basically begging Shane to stay a little longer. Ilya is pushing the line with this whole meet up. For one, it's in his home, much more personal than their usual hotel room setting. Now, he's asking Shane to stay. He wants this so bad that he's toeing the line, he can't stop himself from seeing just how much he can have. How much Shane will let him have.
Shane knows that this thing they do is secret, something they're both not meant to want. He also knows that Ilya pushing like this is not something he should entertain. But Shane can do nothing but concede.
And then we get this shot, where the only thing we can see is Ilya and the soft skin of Shane's neck that he is snuggled up to. We are so close, and so are they. Drawn together and vulnerable in sleep. As time passes by, whether meaning to or not, they have drawn so close, there is no space between them at all.
"You wanna make me a tuna melt?"
Once again, we see Shane in a situation he's never been in before, and having no idea what to do. It's clear that he's already freaking out a little, trying to figure out what he's meant to be doing in this situation. He's taken aback by Ilya having ginger ale for him. He's confused when Ilya asks him about the tuna melts. Ilya turns his back, and Shane looks around trying to figure out what the fuck he's meant to be doing. Ilya turns back with all the ingredients in hand, and Shane's eyes are darting around looking at everything in front of him and trying to figure out what the fuck he's meant to be doing.
They are back in this in between. Close but not close enough. Far away but not far enough. But they are something. I think, much like in the bed, they've slipped closer without realising. So slowly that they haven't noticed yet, how strong the magnetic pull is, just how close they are to being something.
But then Ilya bring up women, and Shane is reminded of who he's meant to be, who everyone thinks he is. He pulls back, turns back to the TV and restrains himself to one word answers.
Even then though, he can't help but keep asking questions. He seeks out more about what Ilya does with these women, he asks if Svetlana is Ilya's girlfriend.
"Sounds perfect for you." "Yes, is close to that but..." "But what?"
He's getting frustrated. By now, he knows Ilya well enough to see when he's putting up his own facade, relying on his reputation to avoid displaying his soft insides. Much like at the award show, Shane doesn't want to speak to Ilya Roazanov™ right now. He is growing tired of pretending to be someone he isn't in front of everyone, and now he's having to do it in front of the only person who knows all of him. He's sat cross from Ilya, with only more distance growing between them and saying, I am getting tired of pretending, so surely you are too. Why are you making me pretend now?
"You know me, I'm lazy." "I don't know that side of you at all."
These words aren't really Ilya's, they are his father's words haunting him, even from this far away. Again, this reminds us how much of Ilya's reputation is a cover. He might come off as uncaring and self centred, but it's a shield to protect his bleeding heart. He's been torn down so many times in the past, he must now always front as someone who is impossible to tear down, presenting himself as someone who does not feel at all.
"You like them? Girls?"
Oh my god ILYA stop bringing it up. PLEASE.
"Oh, yeah. Of course I do."
Again, Shane and his little Of Course. Just like in episode two, when he said Of course he hates Ilya.
Of course. These are normal things. Things that are normal, that normal people feel and like. These are things that you have to like, it's not an option. Cause you have to be normal. There is no other option. It's be normal, or be cut out.
Then, we are interrupted by a phone call with Ilya's father. He is confused and not making sense. Ilya is immediately tense and frustrated, though seemingly familiar with this situation. He's also ostensibly upset, overwhelmed by this ongoing care giver position he's been pushed into. He may not like his father, but it's still his dad. I can't help but notice how small he is in this shot. He gives himself only a moment to relax before heading back to Shane.
Another instance of Ilya's bouncing eyes. He's trying to figure out just how much Shane understood. It's obvious, even from the little we've seen, that Ilya feels a lot of shame surrounding the topic of his family. It is not something he talks about.
Ilya, again, is pushing his luck with what he can get away with doing with Shane, before it becomes too real, too close. Much like when they were cuddling in bed, he's positioned himself so he can gaze, watch, look as much as he can without getting caught. He doesn't want to miss a moment of being here with Shane.
What stands out to me here, is how quiet this scene is. Unlike the fast-paced sex montage we got at the beginning of the episode, this scene has hardly any music and is mostly comprised of shots of their faces.
Moments before disaster.
This is the moment when Shane realises just how close they've got. How they've slowly slipped closer to being something. This whole visit has drawn them closer and closer to that edge that they've been holding themselves back from, because they're not allowed. And then Ilya went and made it real. Now, Shane's realised they've got so close to that edge, they've already gone over it.
Ilya has no idea what happened. He is visibly frustrated that Shane is pulling away from him, taking away the only thing he truly desires any more. He's frozen, looking up at a retreating Shane and is asking angrily, Why are you taking away the one thing I can't ask for?
This whole scene is amazing.
It's clear that Shane is still upset. I think the steady routine he had with Ilya was what allowed him to keep up his public reputation. Even if he had to pretend to be someone else, he knew there was someone who knew and accepted him. Now, that is gone, and it is apparent that he is struggling to keep up this facade.
He is really interested in this menu. Shane has once again found himself in a situation where he doesn't know what he's meant to be doing. He knows his parents can tell that something is wrong. He's trying to do the right thing so they'll ignore it, but it seams he doesn't have to capacity to be normal enough that they'll let it go. It's quite the universal autistic experience.
And I know, I know, that Shane wasn't initially written to be autistic, but to be honest, it's one of the most intrinsic parts of his character. At least, from my point of view, it's one of the main things that impacts all of his decision making throughout the show.
No one ever says it, but there is a right way and a wrong way to do things. Not just some things, but everything. There is a right way and a wrong way to do everything. It's made very clear, because when you do it the wrong way you get told off, or laughed at, or called weird. Other people are allowed to get it wrong, either on purpose or by accident, but when you're autistic, you are not.
This makes you feel like you don't know how to do anything. How to talk to your team mates, how to make friends, how to have a casual hook up, how to have a boyfriend, how to tell your parents you have a boyfriend, how to tell your parent your gay. All of it. It makes you question all of your thoughts and actions, makes you line them all up and think about how to do it right next time so you'll finally fit in. The right way is never clear though, so it often leads to freezing, inaction in moments of uncertainty.
People often label Shane's overthinking as being paranoid or anxious, but when everyone makes you question every decision you make and calls you weird cause of your desires, you're gonna start thinking your doing something wrong.
"I don't want you to lie, that's not who you are."
Just like in the scene between Shane and Yuna in episode one, Yuna has no idea what she's just said to him. This look he gives her, it's clear as day; Everything about me is a lie.
Oh, the extended metaphor of Ginger Ale.
"Shane Hollander can have whatever he wants here."
Well apparently not, cause he asked for ginger ale and you judged the fuck out of him.
It's also just so perfectly put. Not, You can have whatever you want. Not even, Shane can have whatever he wants. But specifically, Shane Hollander™ can have whatever he wants. The version of him that everyone sees. He must perform this perfectly, lest everyone be disappointed in him.
I genuinely had no idea that Sophie Nélisse had blue eyes and light hair in real life, so I felt like I was going insane when I first watched this scene.
"Did it stop being fun." "No. I mean, kind of."
He's sacrificed so much to be able to play the game he loves, had to let so many things go so he can keep going.
He's so beautiful in this scene.
Oh my god, he's fuckin devastated. They get close to being something, but then Shane freaks out and runs away, and the next thing Ilya knows, he's got together with Rose Landry. And everyone is talking about it.
Shane's trying so hard to fit into the mould of who he's supposed to be. Being with Rose is meant to be easy but it's obviously just making him miss what he can't have even more than usual.
Loser Boy Ilya, making sure to show that he definitely isn't missing Shane.
"Where on the ice was Shane Hollander?" "Where was Ilya Rozanov?"
They aren't themselves without each other. They've got so wound up in one another that when they force themselves to be apart, they disappear.
Oh baby.
He's trying so hard to will himself to not want this anymore. If Shane has decided he doesn't want Ilya anymore, then he has to cut that soft part of himself out so that he can keep going.
I love this shot so much. I don't know. It just feels so exposed, the vulnerable skin of the back of his neck.
Oh Ilya. He looks so young here.
He's been drowning in his sadness and tonight of all nights, he decides to try and kick himself out out it. Now, here he is staring at the one person he can't even have in secret anymore, dancing with a woman in public.
Like I said before, so close yet so far. Having to maintain these fake facades, while in close proximity to each other, is when it becomes so obvious how miserable it's making them to keep this up. Here they are, staring at each other, knowing they're both miserable but they won't allow themselves to admit to someone, all of the things they want. The possibility of rejection by anyone, comes with the chance of complete ostracization. So they must be content in staying where they are. Alone.
